Feelings that come along with singleness.

It seems like singlehood is a topic that keeps getting thrown in my face this week. So I’m going to write a lot about it in the following weeks because I think it’s important we learn to embrace and cherish being single and NOT detest it.

 When I was a little girl, I never associated being alone with being rejected – being alone gave me time to combine my imagination with my pokemon toys and stuffed animal cats. To be honest, I don’t even think the idea of rejection ever crossed my mind until my late middle school years. Regardless, while I don’t necessarily seek out time to play with toys anymore, I still love finding time to get away from the world for a while – the freedom that being alone brings about is great. However, if I’m not careful, my heart will overanalyze and fool myself into thinking that being alone means being rejected. On far too many days, I fail to embrace the joy that singleness brings to my life due to the painful realization that I am alone because I am no one’s favorite.

While it sounds trivial and it’s embarrassing to vocalize, there are days when I feel like the state of singleness is a state similar to that middle school gym class where two kids are picking teams and you just keep standing there from the other side of the room, watching your friends get picked, and wondering “hey, when will I get picked too?”

 It would be super duper for everyone to have a position as some other person’s favorite.  I think the pain of rejection in singleness comes from a somewhat unbalanced nature of relationships to begin with. I have people who I love dearly and are my favorite people – my top priorities outside of Jesus. However, the thing is, some these favorite people of mine have significant others, spouses, best friends, etc. And so, logically, I’m not their favorite. And that’s painful.

It all boils down to the fact that you and I are broken people. We are insecure, afraid, and we were created with a longing for worth to be spoken into us by something other than our own voices – the thing is, that position of power isn't held by human beings – no person on this earth should have the power to speak into us value or worth in such a way that it SECURES rather than SUPPORTS our identities.

Jesus talked about the danger of securing our identities based off words of affirmation from others. Our world wants to convince us that it’s valid to want or even need that affirmation in our lives, but Jesus would argue otherwise. Yes, words of affirmation are wonderful, but they should not be wanted or even received in such a way that it fills deficiency in us. Jesus says that when affirmation from others adds to our sense of self, it robs us of our abilities to be satisfied in Him. If we want to know why we aren't content in our singleness, it’s probably a result of us not relying fully on Jesus for satisfaction -- chances are we are probably only wanting to receive affirmation from others around us and not from God.

In John, Jesus gets up in the Pharisees’ business criticizing them because they were 1) seeking affirmation from men and (2) they were not seeking that affirmation from God. Jesus asks in chapter 5 verse 44: “How can you believe (or be satisfied), when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? So let’s get real here. Jesus is asking the Pharisees how can they be fully satisfied by God when they are relying on the attention of man to add to their value? How can we be satisified if we aren’t defining ourselves only by God’s truth? There is only one Person who can speak worth into us in such a way that it fills our insecurities and fears. 

One of the biggest blessings I've experienced so far that comes from singleness is learning how to deal with those feelings of rejection and insecurity. It’s such a relief and incredibly convicting to be able to tell yourself “I am hurting not because I am single but because I am relying on others more than I am relying on God.”

Here’s a little bit of something I read today:

“If you are no mortal man’s favorite, you are in good company. Apart from much of the world’s population, you’re in the company of Someone who was ‘despised and rejected by men’. This Someone refused to receive glory from men and instead, He desired glory knowing that perfect peace and love came from His Father.”

 So, hey all you fellow singles, don’t waste the feelings that come along with singleness and the learning lessons and opportunities for growth they provide us with. God has designed this beautiful season of life to be one where you get to constantly ask yourself, “All right, so who do I turn to now?” When you need affirmation as someone who is single, you have no spouse or significant other to turn to. And chances are, your friends’ lives will constantly be changing, which further narrows down your where-can-I-go-for-genuine-affirmation options. Those limited options are the beauty of singlehood – you will find that, at times, you have no other options for affirmation besides Him (which is actually wonderfully planned out because learning to depend on Him now for everything prepares you for potential future relationships). If you want affirmation you must trust God to provide it.

Singles, don’t be ashamed of your insecurities and don’t try to cover them up or ignore them by meditating on encouragement from the people around you. Turn to God and be upfront about your feelings – “come as you are.” Yes, Godly encouragement from friends and loved ones is important, but let no one but God convince you that you are worthy and loved. Let His words fuel you and your desires, not the words of people around you. Let the affirmation of God fuel your role in your calling, your community,  and your church – not the affirmation of the people in those settings. Because I truly believe that the more we set our hearts on God and His glory, the more of an asset we will be to furthering His kingdom and loving the the broken and hurting around us.

A challenge I give to myself as well as other singles is that instead of looking around on a Sunday and wondering why no one cares for you, have affirmation in your heart from Christ that instead allows you to seek out people to love without fear – not seek out people who can love on you. Oh, how our friendships might change if we were loving others not out of deficiency and a desire to be loved back, but loving others out of the abundance of love and acceptance we can receive from Christ. Let only God convince you that you are loved and lovable -- then, all other love is a gift, and someone choosing not to love you doesn't change the truth of who you are.

To try and tie it all together, I think some of the same feelings we have when we struggle with singlehood are the same feelings God has when we neglect him. Being single gets even the “strongest” Christian down every now and then – we want someone to tell us we’re worth it, we want someone to love us for who we are and we want to be adored. But I firmly believe we are designed to desire those things because our very Creator desires those things from us.  God wants to know that He is worth the sacrifices we make when we die to our flesh.  He is our pearl of great. He wants us to love him not just for the things he does for us but because he is God and he is Love and he is perfect. He wants to be adored by His people -- He wants all the earth to praise His name. And that occasional longing for romance all of us single people feel ? Yeah, God wants to be romanced as much as we do.