"I will be loyal."

There’s a topic that’s been on my heart (and quite a few pages of my journal lately). It’s something I struggled with a lot in the past, but until recently, didn't quite realize I’d been somewhat struggling with it again – for the past view weeks, I've realized that I've been trying to fool myself into thinking I wasn't wanting for myself the blessings that God has given others.

For all you other singles out there, I think it’s really easy for us to look at all of the couples that we either know in person, hear about, see on social media, etc. who are on fire for Christ and say, “oh wow, that’s awesome, I want something like that one day.” And up until recently, that’s what’d I’d been doing. I didn't realize that my comments were being fueling by a selfish desire of mine versus being fueled by genuine happiness for the couples and what they have going for them. While I realize that admiring or looking up to couples can be a good thing and give you standards to uphold or set in your own relationships, it can also, if we’re not careful, turn into us being jealous of the couples who have something that we don’t.

Last Sunday night I turned to my journal when I realized all of my knee-jerk reaction “oh, that’s a cute couple – I want something like that one day” comments had turned into something a bit more serious than a few harmless “oh, what a great relationship they have” comments. Here’s a little bit of something I write that night:

“I know they are going to do great things for the Kingdom and for that I praise You, but God, I am jealous of what You have blessed them with. And I don’t want that emotion. Take it away from me so I can be genuinely happy for couples who are on fire for You and each other.”

It’s so very easy for us to want to do things sometimes with a mindset that focuses on us benefiting and not the Kingdom benefiting – after all, it’s human nature to focus on ourselves. We can so very often be fueled by the idea of pleasing ourselves, but allow the enemy to convince and fool us into thinking that we’re totally a-okay and being fueled by a desire to please Christ (when that’s not the case at all).

But I've been being taught that when I make efforts to intentionally shift my focus to Him and my future with Him, it makes it a lot easier to rejoice in what He is doing in and through the lives of others (including couples), because I know that it is all planned in His perfect and pleasing will – He is bringing people together for His glory and that is something I have no right to be jealous, selfish or any other negative emotion about because He knows what is best. Point blank, period.

But a lot of the times, my decision to shift my focus to Him can stem from the wrong desires. On the same night I wrote in my journal about jealousy, I also wrote this:

“Am I trying to make myself better to please Christ, or am I trying to make myself better to please others/attract a Godly man. Let this be about You because You are beautiful. Shift my focus so my end journey and moment I look forward isn’t a God-fearing best friend or a community of fellow believers or marriage or college degrees or whatever – let me live with the mindset that my goal and sole thing I am working and living for is to make You known and that I will see You one day in Your house. Let me live with that one thing fueling all I do.”

There’s this verse in Joshua  Oswald Chambers’ included in “My Upmost For His Highest” which I read last night. Joshua 24:15 says, “Choose you this day whom you will serve.” After the verse,  Chambers said a few things I think are quote-worthy and relevant:

“Will is the whole man active. I cannot give up my will, I must exercise it. I must will it to obey , and I must will to receive God’s spirit.”

“God allows the opinion of His other saints to matter to you, and yet you are brought more and more out of the certainty that others understand the step you are taking.”

“Profess to Him: ‘I will be loyal.’”

So this is what I’m learning this week so far:

• Choosing to serve Him is deliberate. You can’t drift into serving the Lord – you must make a conscious and willing decision to do so. (And yes, this includes forcing yourself to read the Bible or sit down and be quiet before the lord even when you don’t want to.)

• Choosing to serve takes discipline, and my discipline is strengthened when I continue to do things consistently that serve Him and make me more of a loyal follower of Christ.
• Don’t say “I want that in a relationship one day” when you see couples who are following God’s plan for their lives. Instead, praise God for that blessing the two people are experiencing and rejoice in the fact that they are bring the Kingdom to their city  by going after God in their relationship.

• It’s important to remind yourself that God has blessed you, He is blessing you, and He will bless you. Always.

• Reciting this verse to myself when I start to feel any kind of “I wish God could have blessed me with that like he blessed so and so” thought forming in my head has been a life-saver: “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.” (Matthew 5:5, MSG).

• Asking God to search and know my heart and all of its motives and desires daily is critically important. If there is anything He finds offensive, I must ask that he may bring that to light and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24). You must sacrifice things of your flesh in order to be loyal, but you must first be aware of them in order to do so.