Oh, that I may feel Your enoughness.

I think some of Satan’s favorite fiery arrows to throw at me are the ones containing insecurity and the ones containing feelings of worthlessness and discontentment. Struggling with those feelings and feeling like I have nothing to give have been demons I've battled against since middle school. And while I've seen these arrows of Satan before, have recovered from their wounds, and know how to block against them with Bible verses I've memorized over the years, sometimes if I lose focus and let down my shield, they still manage to pierce my skin.

To give you a better understanding of what exactly I struggle with at times, there’s this prayer journal entry I wrote back in February of 2013 when I experiencing all kinds of hurt:

Everyone seems to walk out of my life at one point or another. I know I should be content with just Your attention and contentment, but Lord, it’s so hard for me. I crave that relationship with people part of my life and it’s so hard seeing everyone around me find great, Godly men and I’m over here never having a guy who is truly after Your heart express interest in me. You know that I’ve always struggled with being that one girl back in middle and high school that never had that attention.  I know I only need You to feel complete and I know You find value in me and call me Your beloved, but it’s so hard for me to accept that truth when it feels like the I can count the number of people who truly value me on just one of my hands. Despite knowing Your truth, I just feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. What makes others so desirable and what makes me so undesirable? How I am supposed to act upon Your calling for my life when I just feel like I’m a screw up and find it so hard to have others accept me into their lives? I know Satan’s planting that doubt in my head, but Lord, right now I don’t have the strength to fight it.

When I pulled into my driveway after coming home from church tonight, man oh man, some of those feelings I felt from more than a year ago were running rampant in my heart.  Previous to arriving home, I had sent one of my friends a good amount (read: way too many) texts about how I was feeling.  While I’m going to take a few details out to make the texts less obnoxious, leave a good amount of them out and then combine the rest of ‘em into a paragraph,  I think you can get the general vibe of the conversation:

 “Shout out to all the ladies who can’t [insert a talent here that you don’t have] that aren’t desirable to modern-day Christian boys, holla…Being surrounded by {a majority of Christians who all have the same talents that you don’t have} is such a downer sometimes. Like, ‘hey, I can’t [insert a talent here that you don’t have], but I’m lovable too.’…I mean, it’s great to recognize God-given talent and use that to glorify Him, but don’t just recognize one kind of talent and make other people feel like they’re less important for furthering the Kingdom or that they’re less desirable as a potential partner to serve Christ with just because they don’t have that one popularly recognized talent. It’s like saying one person’s calling is more/less anointed than your own.” (…does anyone else see all the bright red flags popping up in that text message conversation and how my heart was in the wrong place therefore making me susceptible to Satan’s arrows?)

So, I did what I usually do when I need to sort through things in my head or when I feel upset/sad – I went for a drive to sort through how I was feeling. I took a 1 am drive on deserted roads to my old high school that’s twenty minutes away from my house just to be alone with God and wrestle with Him and all my emotions.  

I was reminded of something I learned last Sunday. In a sermon at 12 Stone last week, there was a key point I wrote down in my notes but didn't think much about at the time: “Being overlooked by others doesn't mean it’s the end.”

1 Samuel 16: 6-13:

When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed stands here before the Lord.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Then Jesse called Abinadab and had him pass in front of Samuel. But Samuel said, “The Lord has not chosen this one either.” Jesse then had Shammah pass by, but Samuel said, “Nor has the Lord chosen this one.” Jesse had seven of his sons pass before Samuel, but Samuel said to him, “The Lord has not chosen these.” So he asked Jesse, “Are these all the sons you have?” “There is still the youngest,” Jesse answered. “He is tending the sheep.” Samuel said, “Send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives.”  So he sent for him and had him brought in. He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features. Then the Lord said, “Rise and anoint him; this is the one.” So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon David. Samuel then went to Ramah.

The funny thing about this passage is that David’s own father and brothers didn't think he was qualified to even be considered for king and they overlooked him (I mean, hello, they left him in the fields tending sheep while they went to go see who would be chosen as king…). But while they overlooked David, God did not. In the same way that others may overlook me, God doesn't. While I’m not saying that God is going to choose me to lead nations or put me in an incredibly influential leadership position, I am saying that, like David, I am accepted by God, I am noticed by God, and I am honored by God and please Him when I act in ways that utilize the talents that He HAS blessed me with -- regardless of who notices and regardless of who finds (or doesn't find) them to be important. 

If God gave me my talents and my passions, they are important -- despite what I may think, despite what others may lead me to believe, and despite what society may say.  We were knitted together, strand by strand, intentionally and purposefully.  And that alone is what makes every single thing about us valuable and desirable to God. Isaiah 43 says this: “I have summoned you by name, you are MINE…Since you are precious and honored in MY sight and because I LOVE you.” Take some time to let that sink in before continuing on reading.

This is what God told me tonight, “I am going to make you work for what you need to know and learn from me and me alone. Don’t find your worth in other’s opinions and don’t feel undesirable because I am greater than all and pursue you daily. Feel my enoughness, rejoice in it, and then act on it.”

If my heart’s in it and I’m actively pursuing and desiring Christ, then I’ll experience and be led by Him. And it doesn’t matter if it seems like people around me are only complementing talents I don’t have, or if the guys I know who are truly going after Christ seemingly want the girls that have all the talents I don’t – because to God, I can come as I am, be enough, and know that He gave me every talent and passion I come with.

God has made you and formed you into who you are. And perhaps we need to think about applying the talents and passions He has given us like this – there isn't a wrong decision except sin. When it comes to sin vs. not sin, then yes, there is a right and wrong decision. But for a Christian choosing between A and B (neither of which is sinful, just human choices we have to make), there’s no wrong decision. God is going to use you wherever you’re at and in whatever you do if you let him. I feel like a lot of times God just wants to shake my shoulders and remind me, 

“Look at what I've given you! How can you use it best for me?  Stop critiquing how I designed you and instead lean into your own beautifully unique design. Abide in me!  Know my plans are meant for good! I want you and My Kingdom to growth and prosper! Stop caring if other people care about your talents and your passions. I CARE. I AM ENOUGH. You do what you think is best with that I've given you and I’m going to use you there.”

He is enough. I am enough for Him. He is worth pursuing. I am pursued by Him. He is a perfect Creator. He created me. Don’t worry about others or if a guy or girl wants you/finds your personality traits or talents to be attractive/important. You are wanted by God. Be future and kingdom minded. Don’t just think of the present and how others may make you feel. Love and shepherd the sheep around you with all that you've got  and been given – because that’s why God created you in the way that He did -- to love others, glorify Him, and introduce others to Him through that love and glorification.