04.

The corners of their lips followed the same upward direction as their eyes rising to catch mine staring. Smirking they'd ask "What? Do you think we're emo or something?" I'd shake my head, avert my gaze. "I think you're pathetic." They would take this in as their sleeves and smirks fell, some shrugging on jackets - sadness and anger being covered back up for the time being. Sometimes they look as if they've seen the relation and revelation in my eyes, and sometimes they don't get it at all.

03.

I guess I mistook that as a spark between us.

break my heart for what breaks yours.

“How can I just sit here fully enjoying Your presence and the joy that comes with it when others aren’t?” 

That’s the question that I offered up in prayer as it completely shattered my heart at Midtown tonight.

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For the past few months, each time I pray, I've been asking God for “a heart that breaks for what Yours does.” And I've realized that’s a bold prayer each time I pray it, but man, I don’t think I fully grasped the reality of what I was praying until tonight. I am so thankful the glimpse I got of God’s heart for His people tonight, but that glimpse is still hitting me hard hours after experiencing it.

At Midtown, the topic of the sermon was “Emmanuel: A Kingdom of Presence.” (If you have the time, click here and listen to the sermon). To try and summarize the sermon as quickly and as accurately as possible for those who did not attend so the rest of this post will make sense:

We talked about how we usually say without thinking that people in the old testament had seen God. For example in Exodus 33, Moses said to the Lord “show me Your glory” and then in response to this the Lord said “You will see my back, but my face must not be seen.” So even though Moses just saw God’s back, Moses still saw God, right? But John 1 offers something new to the equation in the end of verse 14 saying “no one has ever seen God.” So all the people who saw God in the Old Testament didn't actually see God? Chris Moerman addressed this question bringing in Hebrews 1:3, “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.” Back in the Old Testament, they only saw a glimpse compared to what was going to come – they saw Him, but they didn't really see Him. And in John 1 we are told that “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory,  the glory of the One and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth,” (v.14). We thought we had seen God in the Old Testament, but in the New Testament in the Incarnation, we see Jesus the Son of God and then say “oh, so this is what you’re really like.” In order for us to see what God is truly like, we needed Jesus’ physical presence; we needed Him to close, and we need to be awake to His nearness daily. The incarnation is a mission for us to follow Him and then carry His presence. By carrying His presence with us and going out and tangibly interacting with people, we are allow others to see His face.

Right before I had the moment mentioned at the very beginning of this blog, Moerman said this while ending his sermon:  “there’s a lot of people who have seen God’s back but haven’t realized He’s turned His face to them.”  

oh.

That one phrase hit me like a ton of bricks.

Mostly because right after that, this was the progression of my thoughts: God has come down the mountain for me Until I truly saw His face, nothing else satisfied -- truly encountering Him and His fullness broke away all kinds of chains ranging from chains of self-hatred to chains of self-harm to chains of sin -- nothing truly gave me joy, satisfaction, or a zeal and purpose for living until I truly saw God’s face. I’ve been talking to a couple of people recently who are dealing with the same chains I was shackled in throughout high school and these people don’t even know what God’s back looks like. He has come down the mountain for them, and until they see His face, nothing else will do.

oh.

There are certain times when I become acutely aware that all the hurt and pain I want to fix in this world can’t all fit in my hands. Compared to a God whose hands can hold the entire galaxy, my hands are very small and very inadequate. And it’s in these times that I’m also acutely reminded that it isn’t my job to fix this hurt and pain (as much as I would like to). Rather it’s just my job to love the people experiencing this pain and hurt. Through the presence of God’s people carrying His presence, people see God’s face.

And guys, I’m going to be honest – I’m struggling hardcore with that tonight. From someone who has been in dark times and has dealt with the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness and disappointment and discouragement and other messy emotions, it breaks my heart to hear people tell me or others that they’re expiring emotions like that. And I want nothing more than to pick up all that pain in my hands for them and carry it and take care of it so they don’t have to – but that’s not my job and it’s something I can’t do – and tonight that’s just really discouraging me.  I want to take control of things and fix people and I don’t want to wait on God to work in their hearts; but it’s His job to work in the hearts of people, not mine. And that’s tough for me to grasp and accept sometimes, especially as someone who is on the track towards a counseling degree. God wants us to care for others and He wants us to have a heart for helping the lost, but He also wants us to rejoice and praise Him for how He’s worked in our lives (because through this we glorify Him and make Him known).

“Victoria, you’ve just been seeing my back – there is so much more to my passion that fuels your own. What you’re feeling right now -- this is what my face looks like – this is my heart breaking – this is what I feel for my people hurting that don’t know me .”  Cue the waterworks.

God loved us so much that He sent His Son to us to be wrongly tortured and killed to save us and free us for our sin. God’s love for us was so great, He came down the mountain for us because He is the one thing that satisfies. And gosh, what a feeling he must feel when he sees one of his children’s heart breaking but He can’t do a thing because that child doesn't know Him or that child rejects Him.

…I have to be up early tomorrow morning; before I started writing this, I tried to go to sleep, but these thoughts just kept coming. So here I am eating cheese puffs at 2 AM with a sleeping cat in my lap realizing that my usual “write it out and process it” approach isn't quite working tonight. And I’m realizing that this is okay. It’s okay to just feel and it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel deeply for those hurting and those who don’t have a relationship with Christ. It’s okay to cry for people who are being suffocated in the negative feelings you once felt. And it’s okay to have a heart that’s broken for them. And I won’t lie guys, my heart feels shattered tonight. There is a God with unconditional love pursuing the people I've talked to recently (and many other people I haven’t even met), and, because they don’t know God or because they reject God, they’re still feeling all kinds of hurt despite this. They are buying into the fake pearls of this world when the Pearl of Great Price is theirs for the taking if they’d just look.

God is the God who comes close. He entered into our humanity and breathed our air saying “I am the God who comes for you.” And that phrase is what my heavy-hearted self is taking comfort in tonight – God’s patience never runs out on anyone. No one has been an unbeliever for “too long” for Him to stop pursuing them, no one has been sad for “too long” for Him to stop pursing them, no one has been out of church for “too long” for Him to stop pursuing them, no one has been bad or sad for “too long” for Him to stop pursing them. My God is a God of relentless and constant pursuit. While He gives us the ability to choose to believe in and follow Him, He delights in us choosing Him. In Romans 5:8 it says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” “Despite what you've done and what you’re doing now, I am still coming for you and I desire a relationship with you – just accept me and then we can heal your heart.”

So. How do I move on from here? How do I take the hurt I’m feeling and use it in a positive way to further the Kingdom?

...honestly, I don’t know.  I’m still processing, I’m still praying, and I’ll still probably do a lot more crying (and that’s okay -- I’ll be following up on this post later, I’m sure). But what I do know is this: God is powerful and praying for others is powerful.  And that’s what I've been doing tonight.

So I’m going to do something a little different with this blog post. I’m just going to end it with a list of a few key things I’m praying for this week for a couple of people by name specifically and then just for non-Christ-followers in general:

1.  That God draws them near to Jesus (John 6:44).

2. That they seek God with their whole heart (Jeremiah 29:13, Acts 17:27, Deuteronomy 4:29)

3. That eyes would be opened (2 Corinthians 4:4)

4. For belief in the Scriptures (Romans 10:17, 1 Thessalonians 2:13)

5. That Satan would have no hold in their lives and will not blind them from truth (2 Corinthians 4:4, Matthew 13:19)

6. That the situations they’re currently in would direct them towards the Gospel  (Psalm 83:16-18)

7. That others like me would be send and placed in their life to boldly share the Gospel (Acts 1:8)

8. That they feel conviction for their sin (John 16:8)

9. That they turn away from their sin (Acts 3:19, Acts 17:30-31)

10. That they accept Jesus as their Savior (Romans 10:9, John 1:12, John 5:24)

11.  That chains will be broken (Psalm 107:13-14)

12. That they choose to live for Christ and not themselves (2 Corinthians 5:15)

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And these are just some key things I think are important to remember for prayer:

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6

“Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

“Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." 

Mark 10:27

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Matthew 9:36

“Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.” 

Luke 18:1

We need to pray with faith, compassion, a clean heart and perseverance while knowing nothing is impossible for God. While we can’t always fix or help people, we can always (always always always) ask for God to and offer these requests up in prayer. Because He is faithful, He is good, and He cares for His lost sheep. 

Love boldly, selflessly and as much as you can this week, guys (because I’ll be trying to do so too).

02.

This one's for you.

Because you are keeping my legs from folding.

01.

Your eyes have the glare of midnight in Manhattan yet weakness shutters in them like coins in a gutter when you stare up at me. Blink twice and affix your eyes to the ripples of the night sky. There's nothing there I can't find in your reflection.

Words are beautiful (and I'm gonna start posting more of them).

Words are beautiful.

I remember I used to carry around a notebook, recycled paper cover with lined banana paper interior, just to jot down poems and capture one-liners and write down phrases that gave me the same gratification as whispering the phrase "saying something sweet" slowly does. In high school, I wrote whenever I felt the urge to, like my body was saying "Okay, I've taken in all the information I can, you need to let it out now." And I want to do that again.

Or well, challenge myself to do that again. Because I miss it.

So! 

Starting on the first day of my winter break, I will be posting something consistently once a day for a month just to try and get back into the writing spirit. And it won't all be good -- a lot of it will be really bad -- and a lot of it will be really random -- and a lot of it will be really short -- but that's okay. Because even when words are stumbling and tripping over their own feet, they're still beautiful to me. For now, though, any post titled with a number is just a post with words that I wanted to get out and store somewhere.

9 months, “for the better”.

Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Philippians 2:13: For it is God who works in you to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

     One saying that’s just been über applicable to me over the past months or so is this: in everything, God is always working for my better. A family member is dealing with some health complications? for the better. I’m missing out on something I’d like to have because it’s not God’s will for me right now? for the better. I’m too busy for a relationship right now? for the better. I’m single right now? for the better. I have a minimum wage paying job? for the better. I met a new friend? for the better.  I’m being pushed beyond my comfort zone? for the better. I’m plugging into new volunteer opportunities? for the better. In any possible situation in which I have even a slight hint of discontentment or discouragement or frustration or confusion or joy or apprehension or surprise or happiness or excitement or anything – it is always “for the better”. 

There is always a “for the better”, even if I can’t see it.

I've been continuing to mediate on Galatians 6:7-10:

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

I will always reap what I sow. How I react and how I learn and grow and connect in this season of my life will affect my harvest in other seasons. He is shaping me now so I can be a bitter fit for how he wants me to serve His kingdom then. God’s “for the better” is just a harvest away.

Malachi 3:10: Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”

Recently, I feel like God’s been challenging me a lot like how He was challenging Israel in Malachi. While I’ve definitely grown in contentment with the current season I’m in and can say with a sincere heart that it is well with my soul to be in it, there are definitely days where I find myself thinking “okay, so I’m really not feeling this whole single thing” and that’s okay. Test me in this. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that my God is a God of abundance. He just requires that I give him all the enthusiasm and contentment that I can muster. If I can only offer a little bit of enthusiasm, He multiples my little bit of enthusiasm into enough. And when I don’t give Him everything ounce of what I can offer, I squash the opportunity for the miraculous to happen. When the posture of my heart is expectant contentment, it allows me to live as a steward and a servant; and I want nothing more than to be a steward of His blessing in every season I’m in. So leaning into His test me in this during this season. Because, as it’s getting easier in certain aspects to abide and remain content in singleness hitting the nine months mark of my journey, it’s also getting a bit more challenging in aspects.

But despite those new challenging aspects, God’s saying test me in this, let me prove to you and tangibly illustrate just how much better my plans and my timing are for you as compared to your own. And that’s what I’m doing. I've hit the point where I finally feel like, despite the new challenges, I am in a complete posture of surrender and openness towards whatever He wants to bless and gift me with. And I can’t think of words that will accurately describe that feeling, so I’ll just leave it at this: it is just a really cool thing to experience and God is just so great to me when I am so undeserving.

So all this is to say, I don’t know what you’re struggling with or what you’re being challenged with or how you’re growing this November.  All I know is this: in everything that happens, there is a “for the better” – even if you can’t see it right now. Lean into the current season you’re in knowing that God is working “for the better” through it. Leaning on Jesus in whatever you’re going through helps you build the character you need for the future. Test him in this. Be encouraged that you are in His will for you, and have faith that your intentional sowing during this season you’re experiencing will always reap His “for the better”.

For the boy who didn't wait.

( *** Tonight at Grace Midtown they allowed for us to experience God and hear Him talk to us in our silence.  I loved that, because a) how many churches are that open to the Spirit moving and b) that’s usually how the first thirty minutes to an hour of my quiet times go – I just sit and be still. Tonight I didn’t hear anything from God at Midtown, but I definitely felt his presence and left church feeling super refreshed. That being said, when I finally got home around 12:30 a.m., I walked into the door of my house and this one phrase was immediately placed upon my heart: “for the boy who didn’t wait.” And the more I thought about it and talked to God about it, the more my heart broke for the subject. So, here I am at 2 a.m. writing out a letter when I have to be up at 6 AM for school, but I’m just too invested in this subject right now to go to sleep and write about it the morning. If you are reading this, I’m praying that you haven’t had to deal with the consequences of sexual sin, and this will encourage you to continue your battle and journey towards purity. But if you are reading this and you are dealing with them or have dealt with them in the past, I pray this will touch your heart, speak the specific words of healing you need to hear this week, and encourage you as well on your journey towards purity. All that being said, I want to give you all a heads up that this post will be a bit more mature than anything I’ve posted before – I’ll be mentioning some pretty explicit topics. ***) 

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For the boy who didn't wait,

First and foremost, you are forgiven, you are worth it, and you are loved.  If I could just say one sentence to you, this would be it. You are not unworthy of Christ’s love, you are not unworthy of desiring a “pure” partner, you are not unworthy of getting to talk about and encourage others in their journey towards purity, you are not unworthy of forgiveness, you are not unworthy because of your past mistakes -- the God of the universe says you are worth it. And he said you were worth it and let His Son die for you on the cross knowing  you would mess up. His love speaks volumes. You. Are. Worth. It.  

Secondly, I want you to know that I understand God’s grace doesn't automatically keep us away from worldly passions. Titus 2:11-14 says that “for the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” I want you to know that I realize you can burn for Christ and still mess up and not say “no.” I want you to know I realize learning to say “no” is a learning process. I want you to know that learning processes always involve mistakes. I want you to know I realize that Satan strategically plans his attacks when we’re most vulnerable (and I've fallen prey to those attacks more times than I wish I could say).  And this doesn't make giving into temptation right, but it does make it awfully human to do so and then feel guilty about it – and I get that.

I’m not here to write a sugar-coated letter about how “yeah you sinned but everything is a-okay and there will be no consequences that stem from that sin and it really doesn't matter because Jesus loves you,” but I am here to let you know that your past sin doesn't define you, it certainly doesn't repel Christ-following people from you (just a side note: some of the most attractive God-fearing men I know have struggled with sexual immorality and it’s their testimony of their love for Christ and His mercy and ability to change their hearts and wipe their slates clean is what makes them so attractive), and it definitely doesn't prevent you from having a blessed and Christ-centered marriage/relationship in your future.

A lot of the time I feel like I can’t even touch on the topic of impurity because (by the grace of God) I can still say I haven’t had sex and, by the standards of the world, I should be considered  good-to-go as a Christian and, by not having sex, I’m  officially “pure.” But in Ephesians Paul says there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality in our lives – and there have been times where there was a lot more than a hint of sexual immorality in my life.

The Bible defines immorality as “any form of sexual contact outside of marriage” (1 Corinthians 7:2) and according to Hebrews 13:4, the “marriage bed” is pure and honored. So, according to the Bible, sex and any form of sexual contact, should be reserved for marriage.

Knowing this, I want you to know you’re not alone in your sexual sin – unfortunately, Satan loves to make us feel like we’re missing something and mess up our views on intimacy. And a lot of times, we give into that temptation. I've fallen victim to Satan’s lies of “oh, this isn't really sex, so it’s fine to do outside of marriage” or “oh, you want to make him happy and you want to continue to have a boyfriend, so you have to put out or he’ll find someone else” and there have been multiple times in my life where I didn't say “no” when I should have. While I may not be dealing with the consequences of having sex outside of marriage, I do have to and will have to deal with the consequences of other types of sexual sin despite the fact that I have been shown mercy and have been forgiven and renewed.

That being said, I think we can both agree that the reality of both of our sexual sin is this: we forfeit was really a good thing for something that only looked like a good thing, but turned out to be a lonely, imprisoning act of sin.

For me, one of the most encouraging stories that speaks to this reality of sexual sin but also speaks to the freeing and redeeming power of God is the story of David. A lot of the times, I think God watched David’s story unfold like a giant messy soap opera. After having sex with another man’s wife, killing off her husband, and having an illegitimate baby on the way (which would eventually die), I can imagine David was in that lonely stage of sexual sin where he was hiding from God and trying to clean up his own slate when God sent Nathan to confront him. And as soon as David repented, Nathan said “The Lord has taken away your sin” (2 Samuel 12:13). And just like that, David was back into God’s presence – His sexual sin did not prevent God from using him to speak to others during His lifetime (and even speak to us through his testimony years and years after he passed). I think a lot of times, you may think that your sin has ruined you and it’ll be stuck with you forever – but that’s definitely not the case! Did you make a bad decision? Yes; you chose to ignore God’s plan and made a lesser choice. Is that bad decision your ultimate destruction? Of course not.  Ezekiel 18:22 promises us that “none of the offenses he has committed will be remembered.” Believe that. Know God’s truth. And stick it to the man when Satan tries to fill your head with his lies. David’s sexual sin didn't define him and it didn't prevent Him from loving Christ any less – after all, he became known as the man after God’s own heart despite his past mistakes. Allow God to make a message out of your mess.

“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” Psalm 51:5

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

“There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20

God desires “that you may become blameless and pure.” Philippians 2:15

Another thing I want you to be reminded of is that you weren't born pure but  you can become pure. One of the most impacting things for me was realizing that purity isn't something we have and lose, but rather something we work towards – the notion that we “lose” our purity is nonsense and that, plus the feeling that we let God down, is what I think our guilt stems from the most.  There’s this graphic from the book “And the Bride Wore White” that I love and it looks like this:

 Stick with me here while I attempt to explain it: The little squiggle represents us. We’re on a journey towards our end goal, “purity”, but we must encounter “lust” to get to “purity.” We are walking on the spiral path towards purity, but each time we get closer to purity, we encounter lust (because we’re walking in a spiral).  The author of And The Bride Wore White says three things can happen when we encounter lust: we can get breeze past it with God’s help, it can taunt and tease us pretty effectively causing us to sin but eventually struggle past it, or we can get stuck there with it for a long time.

What I want you to get from this graphic above is this: you shouldn't feel guilty or like you’re doing something wrong if you're ever tempted to commit sexual sin again. Just because you have repented from your first bad run-in with lust doesn't mean you won’t be seeing it again – because we’re travelling on a spiral road, you’re bound to see it again. My prayer for you is that, the next time you run into it, you’ll be further away from it than you ever have been before and you’ll be able to say “hey look, you’re a part of my past and I've struggled with you before – it’s not happening again,” and give it the cold shoulder. Being tempted by something you struggled with in the past is not a sin; rather, it is an opportunity to develop your purity. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re not making progress.

Finally, I want you to know that there is so much more to you than your sexual sin. First and foremost you are God’s son – you have been made in His image. Don’t let your past sin define who you are. While I definitely think it’s important to confess your past sin (James 5:16) to others and I believe it’s freeing to tell someone about it (I’m not saying you should write a blog post about it or that the whole world needs to know – but I’d encourage and challenge you to confess to at least one person is older and wiser than you if you haven’t – don’t give into Satan’s lie that you need to keep your sin in the dark), don’t let it become something you fixate on and what you find your identity in. Your identity is in Christ, not your past failures. There is no room for guilt or shame in the heart of a Christ follower -- he has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Remember to embrace and rest in that truth this week. Because you’re worth it. And because God’s going to work through you and use your testimony to rock His kingdom and bring glory to His name.

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

V.

Singleness, 8 months of learning, abiding.

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Hey guys, hey.

It’s been forever since I've had the time to sit down and type out some of my thoughts (…I should honestly be studying now, but hey, procrastination, right?), so I’m hoping to spill out a bit of my heart tonight before I get back to the books. I’m functioning on two hours of sleep today, so if anything seems super jumbled or super spacey, well, hold my poor time management and my ginormous pile of school work to blame.

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       A question that has been burdening my heart lately and a question I've been offering up in prayer these past few weeks is “Lord, in Your heavenly plan, what are You teaching me and how long does it take?”

I think I've briefly mentioned this on the blog before, but high school was a dark time for me – I had little to no self-esteem, I was struggling with some dark stuff, and I didn't have any kind of leader or friends pouring truth or encouragement into my life.  My parents didn't allow me to date until I was 16 (at the time I hated them for that, but looking back I am so appreciative of their wisdom in relationships and parenting), so while the people at school were going on dates when they were 13,14,15…I was stuck hearing  about their “love” stories between class changes. I had assumed that once I turned 16, it would be like a fairy tale, a guy would suddenly gain interest in me, and we would ride happily into the sunset of oh-so-romantic high school love -- but that wasn't the case. No one showed interest in me until I turned 17. And as soon as I was asked on that first date, I didn't care about who was asking me, I didn't care about his lack of faith or his friends or what others would think – all I cared about was a guy finally being interested in me and not any of my other friends. I was being chosen and I was being wanted. And that was all I chose to care about.

And, of course, choosing to turn a blind eye to the fact that the relationship I was about to enter into was not a relationship that God would have wanted me to enter into would eventually blow up in my face. Around the end of my junior year, after the relationship had gone on for about seven or eight months and we had already broken up and gotten back together twice, we broke up for the third and final time…and then after that third breakup, I found out that for almost half of the relationship, my ex and a friend I had thought to be a very good friend, even best friend of mine, at the time had been getting together behind my back…and that the majority of my classmates had known about this fact but had chosen to not to tell me about it (talk about hitting a girl with already low self esteem right where it hurts, right?). This obviously created quite a bit of drama in my classes, especially since I had five out seven classes with my ex, ex friend, and the same group of IB peers. Long story short, I ended up being the target of a lot of undeserved mean words, a lot of undeserved isolation from the rest of the class, and I felt even more alone than I had before I entered the relationship about a year prior.

Since that relationship in my junior year of high school, I've been in and out of two (not so healthy and not so long term) relationships; instead of seeking out a relationship for partnership in servitude with Christ, to be honest, I was reverting back to my high school insecurities and seeking out relationships solely for acceptance and companionship. I was simply trying to fill my desire to be wanted by a guy again. Against all logic and past experience, I wasn't content in being accepted and loved by Love Himself, I wanted imperfect and conditional humanly love, not the perfect and unconditional love of a God.

For those of you who don’t know, for the past eight months, I've been making it a point to remain single and grow and mature Spiritually in a season of singleness for a year. And I never set out on this journey to prove a point to myself; rather I set out on this journey simply because God told me one night to abide in Him and in Him alone until I was completely content in having only His attention and affections, no one else’s.

And I won’t lie, it’s been tough. When God originally spoke to me, I distinctly remember thinking “oh, okay, easy peasy. I’ll stay single like I was for my three years of middle school and first year of high school – I've done that before, no big deal.” I laugh at myself for thinking that now just because it was such an indicator of just how unaware I was of my own heart problems at the time.

I've never thought of myself as “boy crazy” or as someone who needs a man in her life to make her happy, and I still don’t consider myself those things today. However, I've realized that a few months ago, I was a girl who was starving for companionship, acceptance and love…and I was looking for all of those things in all of the wrong places while trying to gain them in all the wrong kinds of ways. I was so consumed with the idea of giving myself over to someone emotionally, I was constantly looking for acceptance from others -- especially boys. Quite honestly, I don’t even think I was looking for a relationship with a guy; I was just desiring constant communication with someone of the opposite sex so I’d know that someone was potentially interested in me and I’d ride on that fact for my self-confidence and self-worth. And when the guy I was talking to left the picture, I would experience a sudden drop in confidence, quickly rebound to talk to any other guy that seemed remotely interested in friendship or more, and then regain that misplaced and fake confidence I was so desperately clinging to. …Are any of you guys seeing the path (or rather cycle) of destruction I was unknowingly travelling on??

This is the main thing I've learned over these past eight months: my will constantly crosses God’s will and my will must die.

Ephesians 4:22-24 (NLT): Throw off your evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new nature because you are a new person, created in God’s likeness – righteous, holy and true.

Ephesians 4:22-24 (MSG): “…everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go…take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life reserved from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces His character in you.”

We must walk away from anything that hinders our love for God. To know if something is doing this, we must keep God involved in our lives. We must choose to give things up to Him and choose to tell Him everything.

A few months into my “man fast” (don’t laugh or judge --  that’s catchy and great and you know it), I realized that I needed to give up a lot more than I initially realized and I also realized that God had a lot of work to accomplish on my heart to make it undivided for Him. I wrote this in my journal when I had this revelation:

“God, I think it’s so cool that you know how hard it is for us to cut things off, and that’s why you offer us the gift of an undivided heart. While you and I both know I’m not in a relationship right now, before I even get into one, if I ever do, God, I want an undivided heart. I realize that my Spiritual heart needs for my physical heart to be in tune to it, but I know I can’t make that happen alone. God, you know I’m consumed with the idea of love and being accepted and wanted by a guy who can lead me in a Godly relationship. And while I realize wanting a relationship is a healthy desire to have, I don’t want it to be more of a desire than me desiring You only. I just pray you’ll instill discernment in me as well as an undivided heart. I want to be Your servant and I know your plans are the best for me – replace any desires for finding myself in a guy with finding myself and my identity and confidence in You and You alone.”

And since writing that and really meditating on God’s word and the truths and love He and He alone has to offer me, I can honestly say that He’s made great strides with me in chiseling my heart into what He wants it to look like. Now I find myself flipping over to Bible verses I have marked in my Bible, or turning to God in prayer when I need encouragement or a reminder of who I am as an individual in Christ --  not swiping over to the messages app on my phone and texting a guy to try and gain empty confidence and worth through them.

However, I feel like the hardest part of my season of singleness wasn’t willing myself to turn to God for attention when I really wanted attention from a guy or memorizing verses of encouragement instead of texts of sweet talk. Rather, I feel like I’m experiencing the hardest part of it right now: abiding.

And this is where the question I mentioned at the beginning of this post comes into play: “Lord, in Your heavenly plan, what are You teaching me and how long does it take?”

It seems like I am being bombarded with sermons about dating/marriage or seeing one of my friends either enter into a dating relationship, enter into an engagement, or enter into a marriage. And my heart is joyful for them – their seasons are all something to rejoice in, but my heart is also a teeny tiny bit impatient for my own self to get to the seasons that they're currently experiencing already.

“Lord, I know I only desire finding my self-worth through your truths now. Lord, I know that only You satisfy and I’m not actively seeking out ways to try and fill that void anymore – You have filled me up.  Lord, I know that I would put Your and Your visions and kingdom first in relationships now. Lord, I know what a Godly relationship looks like now. But Lord, it’s only been eight months. What in the world are you wanting to teach me in these next four months that I simply must learn while remaining single? Why did you speak and tell me to enter into a whole year of singlehood if we’re already seeing these results only eight months in? ” Those are the kind of questions I've been wrestling with God about lately. 

For the first time in years, I feel like I feel confident enough in my identity in Christ and confident enough in the strength of my relationship with Christ to say that I could enter into a new season of dating and continue to rely on God first in all things. But for the past weeks, despite all the new relationships I've witnessed my friends enter into and all the new engagements I've heard about, despite the cracks my family has been making about my singleness, despite everything, God has been continuing to lay one word on my heart: abide.

So all of this is to say that I don’t know what kind of season you’re in or entering into this autumn – maybe you’re like me and you’re single and planning on remaining in that season for a while, maybe you’re actively seeking a partner to serve Christ with, or maybe you’re entering into the exciting yet foreign life of a married couple – the possibilities are endless. While I don’t know what kind of season you’re in and I don’t know what you’re excited about or struggling with or intimidated by, I do know that in whatever season we are in, as Christ followers, we are always called to be praying for our “Lord, use me’s” to become “Lord, make me usable’s” in whatever situations we are in.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV: “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for all of us to do.” 

Despite the season you are in, right now, if you are surrendering your will for God’s will your life is NOT off track. Every inch of who we are has intentionally passed through the Maker’s hands when He wove us together in our mother’s womb. Where we are in life right now and what we’re learning (even if, like in my case, we’re struggling to see what exactly we’re learning) is being learned for a purpose and has intention. ABIDE in that and fully embrace whatever God is going to do in and through you to affect the eternity of those directly around you.

  

Shepherd your flock where you are and abide in that – I’ll be doing it right along with you.

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2 John 1:9: Anyone who goes too far and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God; the one who abides in the teaching, he has both the Father and the Son.

John 15:4-5: "Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

1 John 2:27-28: As for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him. Now, little children, abide in Him, so that when He appears, we may have confidence and not shrink away from Him in shame at His coming.

John 15:10: "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.

John 15:7: "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Oh, that I may feel Your enoughness.

I think some of Satan’s favorite fiery arrows to throw at me are the ones containing insecurity and the ones containing feelings of worthlessness and discontentment. Struggling with those feelings and feeling like I have nothing to give have been demons I've battled against since middle school. And while I've seen these arrows of Satan before, have recovered from their wounds, and know how to block against them with Bible verses I've memorized over the years, sometimes if I lose focus and let down my shield, they still manage to pierce my skin.

To give you a better understanding of what exactly I struggle with at times, there’s this prayer journal entry I wrote back in February of 2013 when I experiencing all kinds of hurt:

Everyone seems to walk out of my life at one point or another. I know I should be content with just Your attention and contentment, but Lord, it’s so hard for me. I crave that relationship with people part of my life and it’s so hard seeing everyone around me find great, Godly men and I’m over here never having a guy who is truly after Your heart express interest in me. You know that I’ve always struggled with being that one girl back in middle and high school that never had that attention.  I know I only need You to feel complete and I know You find value in me and call me Your beloved, but it’s so hard for me to accept that truth when it feels like the I can count the number of people who truly value me on just one of my hands. Despite knowing Your truth, I just feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. What makes others so desirable and what makes me so undesirable? How I am supposed to act upon Your calling for my life when I just feel like I’m a screw up and find it so hard to have others accept me into their lives? I know Satan’s planting that doubt in my head, but Lord, right now I don’t have the strength to fight it.

When I pulled into my driveway after coming home from church tonight, man oh man, some of those feelings I felt from more than a year ago were running rampant in my heart.  Previous to arriving home, I had sent one of my friends a good amount (read: way too many) texts about how I was feeling.  While I’m going to take a few details out to make the texts less obnoxious, leave a good amount of them out and then combine the rest of ‘em into a paragraph,  I think you can get the general vibe of the conversation:

 “Shout out to all the ladies who can’t [insert a talent here that you don’t have] that aren’t desirable to modern-day Christian boys, holla…Being surrounded by {a majority of Christians who all have the same talents that you don’t have} is such a downer sometimes. Like, ‘hey, I can’t [insert a talent here that you don’t have], but I’m lovable too.’…I mean, it’s great to recognize God-given talent and use that to glorify Him, but don’t just recognize one kind of talent and make other people feel like they’re less important for furthering the Kingdom or that they’re less desirable as a potential partner to serve Christ with just because they don’t have that one popularly recognized talent. It’s like saying one person’s calling is more/less anointed than your own.” (…does anyone else see all the bright red flags popping up in that text message conversation and how my heart was in the wrong place therefore making me susceptible to Satan’s arrows?)

So, I did what I usually do when I need to sort through things in my head or when I feel upset/sad – I went for a drive to sort through how I was feeling. I took a 1 am drive on deserted roads to my old high school that’s twenty minutes away from my house just to be alone with God and wrestle with Him and all my emotions.  

I was reminded of something I learned last Sunday. In a sermon at 12 Stone last week, there was a key point I wrote down in my notes but didn't think much about at the time: “Being overlooked by others doesn't mean it’s the end.”

1 Samuel 16: 6-13:

When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed stands here before the Lord.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Then Jesse called Abinadab and had him pass in front of Samuel. But Samuel said, “The Lord has not chosen this one either.” Jesse then had Shammah pass by, but Samuel said, “Nor has the Lord chosen this one.” Jesse had seven of his sons pass before Samuel, but Samuel said to him, “The Lord has not chosen these.” So he asked Jesse, “Are these all the sons you have?” “There is still the youngest,” Jesse answered. “He is tending the sheep.” Samuel said, “Send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives.”  So he sent for him and had him brought in. He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features. Then the Lord said, “Rise and anoint him; this is the one.” So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon David. Samuel then went to Ramah.

The funny thing about this passage is that David’s own father and brothers didn't think he was qualified to even be considered for king and they overlooked him (I mean, hello, they left him in the fields tending sheep while they went to go see who would be chosen as king…). But while they overlooked David, God did not. In the same way that others may overlook me, God doesn't. While I’m not saying that God is going to choose me to lead nations or put me in an incredibly influential leadership position, I am saying that, like David, I am accepted by God, I am noticed by God, and I am honored by God and please Him when I act in ways that utilize the talents that He HAS blessed me with -- regardless of who notices and regardless of who finds (or doesn't find) them to be important. 

If God gave me my talents and my passions, they are important -- despite what I may think, despite what others may lead me to believe, and despite what society may say.  We were knitted together, strand by strand, intentionally and purposefully.  And that alone is what makes every single thing about us valuable and desirable to God. Isaiah 43 says this: “I have summoned you by name, you are MINE…Since you are precious and honored in MY sight and because I LOVE you.” Take some time to let that sink in before continuing on reading.

This is what God told me tonight, “I am going to make you work for what you need to know and learn from me and me alone. Don’t find your worth in other’s opinions and don’t feel undesirable because I am greater than all and pursue you daily. Feel my enoughness, rejoice in it, and then act on it.”

If my heart’s in it and I’m actively pursuing and desiring Christ, then I’ll experience and be led by Him. And it doesn’t matter if it seems like people around me are only complementing talents I don’t have, or if the guys I know who are truly going after Christ seemingly want the girls that have all the talents I don’t – because to God, I can come as I am, be enough, and know that He gave me every talent and passion I come with.

God has made you and formed you into who you are. And perhaps we need to think about applying the talents and passions He has given us like this – there isn't a wrong decision except sin. When it comes to sin vs. not sin, then yes, there is a right and wrong decision. But for a Christian choosing between A and B (neither of which is sinful, just human choices we have to make), there’s no wrong decision. God is going to use you wherever you’re at and in whatever you do if you let him. I feel like a lot of times God just wants to shake my shoulders and remind me, 

“Look at what I've given you! How can you use it best for me?  Stop critiquing how I designed you and instead lean into your own beautifully unique design. Abide in me!  Know my plans are meant for good! I want you and My Kingdom to growth and prosper! Stop caring if other people care about your talents and your passions. I CARE. I AM ENOUGH. You do what you think is best with that I've given you and I’m going to use you there.”

He is enough. I am enough for Him. He is worth pursuing. I am pursued by Him. He is a perfect Creator. He created me. Don’t worry about others or if a guy or girl wants you/finds your personality traits or talents to be attractive/important. You are wanted by God. Be future and kingdom minded. Don’t just think of the present and how others may make you feel. Love and shepherd the sheep around you with all that you've got  and been given – because that’s why God created you in the way that He did -- to love others, glorify Him, and introduce others to Him through that love and glorification. 

Fifty Shades of Grey and Intimacy.

(Usually I read back over my posts to make sure I'm not too all over the place or to make sure what I think I'm saying makes sense, but for this one, I didn't...because it's 2 AM -- so here's an apology for any awkwardly phrased sentences or typos you may find below!)

Seeing all the excitement about the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer has been weighing heavy on my heart lately. I've heard so many women at the bookstore I work in be like “where’s my Mr. Grey?”, seen so many tweets about how it’s “deliciously scandalous” and I've seen a plethora of comments about how people wish certain scenes in the trailer could happen within their own relationships. And man oh man, it’s just super disheartening to see that THAT is what people have been waiting for -- to see intimacy displayed on a giant screen in front of millions, and  to, quite frankly (and ironically), take all the intimacy out of it in the process.

I guess what I’m essentially upset about is that, in our society, the beauty of sexual love is being camouflaged by big fat lies. And it’s no surprise that this is Satan’s doings -- that, because of him entering the scene, lies have entered into it as well. John 8:44 tells us the true character of Satan. The devil “was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks with his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” So to sum it up Satan is a big fat liar who dishes out the big fat lies we see all around us in the “popular culture” of today. And I think some of his favorite big fat lies tend to relate to our sexuality because of its powerful symbolism.

In the book, “And the Bride Wore White,” Dannah Gresh compares the way Satan lies to you and me about sex to the way he lied to Eve and Adam about the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. This is her reasoning behind that comparison: “God’s word tells us that everything in the Garden of Eden was created by God’s own hand. It also tells us that He is incapable of making anything NOT good. So, it is very possible that the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil would have had an interesting and noble purpose had Even simply waited for God to reveal it to her in His time. Interesting thought, don’t you think? Sex is like that. Is it such a good and wonderful thing that God has created if we wait for God’s timing to enjoy it. Satan knows that one of the most beautiful things in the world is the sexual union between a husband and a wife when they wait to enjoy it after their wedding. Satan wants to rob us of that. So he lies to us. Satan looks at our sexuality much like he looked at Adam and Eve’s Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil – he is threatened by it and will do anything to see that we misuse it.”

I feel like Fifty Shades of Grey just further promotes Satan’s widespread lies about sex and intimacy. It’s so easy for the people Satan preys on to buy into lies like “church is boring,”  “scripture reading is boring,” “discussing the Bible with other Christians is boring,” “loving God is boring,” etc., view a trailer of a movie like Fifty Shades of Grey with a mind saturated with those lies, and then think that the “intimacy” Fifty Shades of Grey showcases to the world is a lot more exciting that the intimacy that Christ offers us.

And I can only imagine how God must feel when we choose other things over Him as a result of this, therefore giving up true intimacy that only He can provide us with.

I think one of the most accurate portrayals of how He might feel and how He reacts to us giving into Satan’s lies is located within the story of Hosea and his wife. The Lord chose Hosea (whose name, by the way, means deliverance or salvation – and that’s a pretty cool thing to note, so keep it in mind) to become a living parable (which is just neat in general). Hosea, a prophet, loved God so much and so appreciated the undeserving love that God showed to His people, that he agreed to marry Gomer, a prostitute. So! Hosea took Gomer to be his bride even though her heart was far (far far faaaaaar) away from his own. Then, after Gomer gave Hosea three kids, she returned back to her old life of prostitution. Eventually, Gomer became bankrupt from this lifestyle and she was forced to sell herself into slavery. And this is where good ol' Hosea comes back into the picture! With unwavering commitment, he purchased Gomer’s freedom and then brought her back home. There, even after all she had done, he continued to pursue her with undeserved and undying love. Finally, his affection was returned and intimacy was established between them.

I think  our current culture, as well as each individual one of us at times, is a lot like Gomer. We reject the Love right in front of our noses and instead accept and lean into lies and temptations, finding ourselves empty, unfulfilled and bankrupt as a result – then we must resort to selling ourselves to masters that can only offer up more counterfeit intimacy, counterfeit lust, counterfeit success, counterfeit  reputation, counterfeit possessions, etc. These things promise us peace, but fuel emptiness (and oh, how Satan must rejoice in that lie and its outcome). All the while, during all of this, our Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, has not only paid the price for us, but he is pursing us and He is patiently waiting to take us into His heart to establish true intimacy (NOT counterfeit intimacy) with us there.

And that, I think, is what threatens Satan the most in regards to intimacy. One of my Sunday school leaders from when I was in middle school said that intimacy was “into me see” – that, by sharing and blending our heart with someone else’s, we can “see into” who they really are and they can “see into” who we really are. Once you truly know Christ and you become intimate with Him, you can’t give into Satan’s lies because you know the comfort and fullness of joy found in Christ alone. When you know and are intimate with Christ’s heart, Satan’s lies have no power over you.

Satan’s after your intimacy and he’s after my intimacy -- and with the boldfaced lies circulating in our world today about sex and relationships, it hurts my heart to say that he’s doing a dang good job at robbing many of their true intimacy. That’s why I think it’s so important for those of us who know Christ intimately to stand firm in our beliefs our relationship with Him, which means recognizing the lies Satan dishes out, countering them with truths from scripture, and then continuing to pursue purity and pursue our relationship with Christ in every single aspect of our lives. And we do this, not just because we are asked to do so in scripture, but because God, our Hosea when we choose to act like Gomer, is always worth and deserving of it.