“How can I just sit
here fully enjoying Your presence and the joy that comes with it when others
aren’t?”
That’s the question that I offered up in prayer as it completely
shattered my heart at Midtown tonight.
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For the past few months, each time I pray, I've been asking
God for “a heart that breaks for what Yours does.” And I've realized that’s a
bold prayer each time I pray it, but man, I don’t think I fully grasped the
reality of what I was praying until tonight. I am so thankful the glimpse I got
of God’s heart for His people tonight, but that glimpse is still hitting me
hard hours after experiencing it.
At Midtown, the topic of the sermon was “Emmanuel: A Kingdom
of Presence.” (If you have the time, click here and
listen to the sermon). To try and summarize the sermon as quickly and as
accurately as possible for those who did not attend so the rest of this post
will make sense:
We talked about how we usually say without thinking that
people in the old testament had seen God. For example in Exodus 33, Moses said
to the Lord “show me Your glory” and then in response to this the Lord said “You
will see my back, but my face must not be seen.” So even though Moses just saw God’s
back, Moses still saw God, right? But John 1 offers something new to the equation
in the end of verse 14 saying “no one has ever seen God.” So all the people who
saw God in the Old Testament didn't actually see God? Chris Moerman addressed
this question bringing in Hebrews 1:3, “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory
and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his
powerful word.” Back in the Old Testament, they only saw a glimpse compared to
what was going to come – they saw Him, but they didn't really see Him. And in John 1 we are told that “The
Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only who came from
the Father, full of grace and truth,” (v.14). We thought we had seen God in the
Old Testament, but in the New Testament in the Incarnation, we see Jesus the
Son of God and then say “oh, so this is
what you’re really like.” In
order for us to see what God is truly like, we needed Jesus’ physical presence;
we needed Him to close, and we need to be awake to His nearness daily. The incarnation
is a mission for us to follow Him and then carry His presence. By carrying His
presence with us and going out and tangibly interacting with people, we are allow
others to see His face.
Right before I had the moment mentioned at the very beginning
of this blog, Moerman said this while ending his sermon: “there’s a lot of people who have seen God’s back
but haven’t realized He’s turned His face to them.”
oh.
That one phrase hit me like a ton of bricks.
Mostly because right after that, this was the progression of
my thoughts: God has come down the mountain for me Until I truly saw His face,
nothing else satisfied -- truly encountering Him and His fullness broke away
all kinds of chains ranging from chains of self-hatred to chains of self-harm
to chains of sin -- nothing truly gave me joy, satisfaction, or a zeal and
purpose for living until I truly saw
God’s face. I’ve been talking to a couple of people recently who are dealing
with the same chains I was shackled in throughout high school and these people
don’t even know what God’s back looks like. He has come down the mountain for
them, and until they see His face, nothing else will do.
oh.
There are certain times when I become acutely aware that all
the hurt and pain I want to fix in this world can’t all fit in my hands.
Compared to a God whose hands can hold the entire galaxy, my hands are very
small and very inadequate. And it’s in these times that I’m also acutely reminded
that it isn’t my job to fix this hurt and pain (as much as I would like to). Rather
it’s just my job to love the people experiencing this pain and hurt. Through
the presence of God’s people carrying His presence, people see God’s face.
And guys, I’m going to be honest – I’m struggling hardcore
with that tonight. From someone who has been in dark times and has dealt with
the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness and disappointment and discouragement
and other messy emotions, it breaks my heart to hear people tell me or others
that they’re expiring emotions like that. And I want nothing more than to pick
up all that pain in my hands for them and carry it and take care of it so they
don’t have to – but that’s not my job and it’s something I can’t do – and tonight
that’s just really discouraging me. I
want to take control of things and fix people and I don’t want to wait on God
to work in their hearts; but it’s His job to work in the hearts of people, not
mine. And that’s tough for me to grasp and accept sometimes, especially as someone
who is on the track towards a counseling degree. God wants us to care for
others and He wants us to have a heart for helping the lost, but He also wants
us to rejoice and praise Him for how He’s worked in our lives (because through
this we glorify Him and make Him known).
“Victoria, you’ve just been seeing my back – there is so
much more to my passion that fuels your own. What you’re feeling right now -- this is what my face looks like – this is my heart breaking – this is what I feel for my people
hurting that don’t know me .” Cue the
waterworks.
God loved us so much that He sent His Son to us
to be wrongly tortured and killed to save us and free us for our sin. God’s
love for us was so great, He came down the mountain for us because He is the
one thing that satisfies. And gosh, what a feeling he must feel when he sees
one of his children’s heart breaking but He can’t do a thing because that child doesn't know Him or that child rejects Him.
…I have to be up early tomorrow morning; before I started
writing this, I tried to go to sleep, but these thoughts just kept coming. So
here I am eating cheese puffs at 2 AM with a sleeping cat in my lap realizing
that my usual “write it out and process it” approach isn't quite working
tonight. And I’m realizing that this is okay. It’s okay to just feel and it’s
okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel deeply for those hurting
and those who don’t have a relationship with Christ. It’s okay to cry for
people who are being suffocated in the negative feelings you once felt. And it’s
okay to have a heart that’s broken for them. And I won’t lie guys, my heart feels
shattered tonight. There is a God with unconditional love pursuing the people I've talked to recently (and many other people I haven’t even met), and, because
they don’t know God or because they reject God, they’re still feeling all kinds
of hurt despite this. They are buying into the fake pearls of this world when the
Pearl of Great Price is theirs for the taking if they’d just look.
God is the God who comes close. He entered into our humanity
and breathed our air saying “I am the God
who comes for you.” And that phrase is what my heavy-hearted self is taking
comfort in tonight – God’s patience never runs out on anyone. No one has been
an unbeliever for “too long” for Him to stop pursuing them, no one has been sad
for “too long” for Him to stop pursing them, no one has been out of church for “too
long” for Him to stop pursuing them, no one has been bad or sad for “too long”
for Him to stop pursing them. My God is a God of relentless and constant pursuit.
While He gives us the ability to choose to
believe in and follow Him, He delights in us choosing Him. In Romans 5:8 it
says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still
sinners, Christ died for us.” “Despite
what you've done and what you’re doing now, I am still coming for you and I desire
a relationship with you – just accept me and then we can heal your heart.”
So. How do I move on from here? How do I take the hurt I’m
feeling and use it in a positive way to further the Kingdom?
...honestly, I don’t know. I’m still processing,
I’m still praying, and I’ll still probably do a lot more crying (and that’s
okay -- I’ll be following up on this post later, I’m sure). But what I do know
is this: God is powerful and praying for others is powerful. And that’s what I've been doing tonight.
So I’m going to do something a little different with this blog post. I’m just going to end it with a list of a few key things I’m praying
for this week for a couple of people by name specifically and then just for
non-Christ-followers in general:
1. That God draws
them near to Jesus (John 6:44).
2. That they seek God with their whole heart (Jeremiah 29:13,
Acts 17:27, Deuteronomy 4:29)
3. That eyes would be opened (2 Corinthians 4:4)
4. For belief in the Scriptures (Romans 10:17, 1
Thessalonians 2:13)
5. That Satan would have no hold in their lives and will not
blind them from truth (2 Corinthians 4:4, Matthew 13:19)
6. That the situations they’re currently in would direct
them towards the Gospel (Psalm 83:16-18)
7. That others like me would be send and placed in their
life to boldly share the Gospel (Acts 1:8)
8. That they feel conviction for their sin (John 16:8)
9. That they turn away from their sin (Acts 3:19, Acts
17:30-31)
10. That they accept Jesus as their Savior (Romans 10:9,
John 1:12, John 5:24)
11. That chains will
be broken (Psalm 107:13-14)
12. That they choose to live for Christ and not themselves
(2 Corinthians 5:15)
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And these are just some key things I think are important to
remember for prayer:
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because
anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those
who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6
“Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Hebrews 4:16
“Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is
impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Mark
10:27
“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because
they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Matthew 9:36
“Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that
they should always pray and not give up.”
Luke 18:1
We need to pray with faith, compassion, a clean heart and perseverance
while knowing nothing is impossible for God. While we can’t always fix or help
people, we can always (always always always) ask for God to and offer these
requests up in prayer. Because He is faithful, He is good, and He cares for His
lost sheep.
Love boldly, selflessly and as much as you can this week, guys
(because I’ll be trying to do so too).
